on pain of death

Two weeks ago I died. Obviously this wasn't a physical death, yet the pain was strong and real, and still lingers in what is left of my soul. I won't go into detail about the cause of death, rather the result. But a short run down; a man broke my heart. He brought me out of the depths of insecurity two years ago, then laid me back in that hole deeper than before. This is a story many are familiar with, yet in my current state I am absolutely THE only person to feel such pain.

In the last two weeks I have cared little for the menial things in life, only wanting to feel the unattainable high of shared love once more. I am just beginning to resurface, but the world is not what it was, food lost all flavour, alcohol became my main source of nutrition and chocolate.... Oh chocolate. I am...was...a happy chocoholic, I revelled in stuffing my face in front of a movie (Chocolat) and walking out later to discover all the melted pieces on my face,belly,arms.... but alas, woe is me, for no longer does chocolate meet my needs and expectations. I can no longer eat two packs of double coat timtams in one sitting, no more can i polish off two bags of maltesers, and be ready for the third, I never believed this day could come. I am absolutely devestated.

That is not all that has changed... I have lost my creative spark. I was a talented beader, wrote songs, drew pictures. Even this blog would have been better 3 weeks ago. So no longer can I gain an income from my jewellery or release my demons via music, I am forced to suffer the pent up pain and need for wanton destruction. Where will this lead? I have no desire to anger/hurt/ruin myself or anyone else, but what are my options??? Well I decided to take up a new martial art, it is not really new but has been kept secret for many centuries, my trainer informed me just last night that they are promoting me to black belt (yes in just 2 weeks!!)

So I have the pleasure to announce I am now a Black belt in Ori-Gami. If you want to fold the hell outta someone then look up the Ori-Gami training clinic in Kelmscott, they are also opening a new centre in three weeks in Leederville for more central clients. I tell you it is amazing! Although the first few days I suffered minor cuts to my fingers and hands, it has really been a fantastic release!

So I got dumped, can't eat chocolate and took it all out on some squares of paper. Which didn't really help all that much. On top of all that I have to get my things out of 'His' house, and try not to break down on my knees and profess my undying love for a man who "isn't sure what he wants in life, and needs some time to think..." Hey, Fella, you want me...trust me, you definately want me!!!

Regards Readers,
xx


*I would like to dedicate this post to all other Dead or Dying out there, try folding paper...